It’s normal isn’t it? Julie begged for reassurance.
What? Casey, Julie’s best friend, turned away from the counter to look at Julie with a puzzled look.
To have second thoughts during my pregnancy, Julie reiterated.
Well, I guess so. I have never been pregnant, Casey replied.
Julie, an inherited wealth, first-time mom of Orange County married Jason back in August of 2012. They always rushed into everything and part of that was their families pushing them together. White folks doing arranged marriages seems a bit out of style but when you have a firm belief that the world would end in December of 2012, some folks do the best they can to ensure they are secure is all aspects: family and money.
Julie sits back in a chair in Casey’s kitchen, rubs her face and then her baby bump. She remembers the day she married Jason and she still felt the same way; not a clue as to what love is supposed to feel like.
Julie started volunteering at the local day care, Jason’s orders, the second she found out she was pregnant. Jason thought that she shouldn’t sit at home all day but rather learn the way of taking care of children. Julie enjoyed the children at day care. It took her away from the trophy wife status that she was at home and brought her to understand some of the purest of innocence. She thought the children at day care were beautiful in their own way and she would play with each of them equally throughout the day, learning their strengths and weaknesses at such a young age.
Julie couldn’t help but feel that this pregnancy was rushed. It had been a couple years since Jason and she tied the knot but the thing was, she still wasn’t ready and she didn’t know if she ever would be. Resentment.
Miss Julie! Miss Julie!
Yes, Tyler? What is it you got there?
I drew a big BIG heart, you see it covers the entire page, Miss Julie.
It’s beautiful, Tyler – you are so sweet.
Miss Julie, why do you always look worried?
Caught off guard, Julie learned something new. These kids were so innocent and young that they could see right through her fake smile.
I…I am just worried about all of you kids.
Because…because I love you.
We love you too, Miss Julie, Tyler jumped into Julie’s lap hugging the baby bump.
As Julie looked down at her baby bump and Tyler, she wanted to cry in the most internally conflicted way that you can cry, realizing that she did love these kids with all her heart. Julie was sure about love for once in her life. The thing was, she couldn’t figure out how she was going to love a child that was made with someone she resented so much.
She mailed off her secret that day, put on her fake smile once again and drove home.